nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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