I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
