The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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