life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
