Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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