It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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