broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
