Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
