Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
