We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
