Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
