if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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