my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
