Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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