i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
