I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
