its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
