I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
