i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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