it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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