remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
is wine microwaveable?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
