It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
