I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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