I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
