when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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