Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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