The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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