just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
