i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
