Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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