I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
