what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
