I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
