Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
