youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
