It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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