I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
