My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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