I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
