I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
