does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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