dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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