Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
