i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
