I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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