How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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