All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
