these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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