she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
