Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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